JEWS NEWS MARCH 2014

We celebrate the JBB's 20th anniversary in December this year and we have a few things afoot leading up to it!

First and foremost for all you Australian fans:

THE JEWS BROTHERS BAND IS COMING BACK TO OZ. Ok , well not everywhere in Australia but to a few choice places. Here's the programme:

WHAT JBB @ 27th Annual Thredbo Jazz Festival,

WHERE Alpine Village, Thredbo

WHEN The weekend of May 2-4.

WEBSITE http://www.thredbo.com.au/thredbojazzfestival/

WHAT JBB in Sydney

WHERE Camelot Lounge, 19 Marrickville Rd, Sydney

WHEN Thursday May 8 Doors open 7pm / Music 8pm (two sets)

ADMISSION $25 Presale + bf $30 on door

WEBSITE www.camelotlounge.wordpress.com tel 02-9550-3777.

WHAT JBB at school!

WHERE Emanuel School, Sydney

WHEN Friday May 9 special assembly

This is a traditional gig for us and we love it. If you know one of the students at this school, make sure they attend that day!

WHAT JBB in The Blue Mountains

WHERE Old Lawson School, Great Western Highway, Lawson, Blue Mts.

WHEN Friday May 9 6.30pm for dinner & drinks 8pm Music

ADMISSION $20 / $15 concession

(We are also playing a Bar Mitzvah in Sydney but I'm afraid we cannot invite you as ... well, to tell you truth, if you all come, there won't be enough food for the band!)

The line-up for Australia is:

Linn Lorkin - lead vocal/melodica

Nigel Gavin - mandolin

Neill Duncan - tenor sax/percussion

Michael Lira - upright bass

Hershal Herscher - accordion and hat!

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Re the Thredbo weekend festival, this is a great one. Come for the whole weekend and get an accommodation/entertainment package. We have played Thredbo several times over the years and even have a tune that Nigel wrote for the band called Thredbo, Thedbo (on our My Yiddish Swing album) inspired by their ski-lift, ski-lift.

This tour is quite an occasion for Neill Duncan as he had his left arm amputated a year ago and will be playing his very special new one-handed tenor saxophone, specially made for him in the Netherlands. He's had to learn all new fingering so it's been quite a project for him preparing for these JBB gigs. But as we all know he's a brilliant musician so come and wish him well with his new musical venture! On bass we will have the virtuoso Michael Lira, ex Monsieur Camembert, who has done stints with the band over the years and always contributes a bit of mayhem on stage (as if there wasn't enough already! Anyway, this is the right month for Mayhem).

A NEW ALBUM IN THE MAKING: THE JBB RECORDS IN AUSTRALIA

While in Australia we'll be recording at Neill's Katoomba studio. New tracks will include the brand-new 20th anniversary song "When the Band Began to Play". The new tunes will be included in a 'best of the JBB' album which will come out later this year.

We are looking forward to seeing you - our long-time fans on this visit to Australia and expect to be making some new ones!

See you at one of these gigs,

Shalom already,

Hershal

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PS And now it's Jewish Joke Time

Please excuse the four letter words in the following story. I would have deleted them, but it would lose its impact without them.....

A young Jewish couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called up her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to come and get me and take me home..."PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"*

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook, bake..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

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A guy offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a bar.

She gives him the green light, so he whispers to the bartender to make up a Cosmopolitan for her -- and to put some Spanish fly in the drink. The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of Spanish fly and all he has left is Jewish fly.

... "Jewish fly?" Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says "OK, put some of that in her drink."

As she sips the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really warming up tothe guy. Finally she finishes the drink, leans over, and in a low, slow, and sexy voice whispers in his ear,

"Let's go shopping."

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Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem."

Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"

Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out the house, a short pish and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch."*

* kvetch ( Yiddish) - complain

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Jewish widow remarries.

In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow,the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again, but the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar and the butcher had no great formal education.

However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married. After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did....

She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did...

They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex." So they did...

After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did...

On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?"

She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family…

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THE FIRST JEWISH PRESIDENT

The year is 2016 and theUnited States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after election-day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy – what on earth would I wear?'

'Oh Mom,' replies Susan. 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made, by the best designer in New York .'

'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York –kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'

So Mom reluctantly agrees andon January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her. 'You see that woman over there, with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?'

The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor.'

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